Review: This Ain’t Avatar XXX

This Aint Avatar XXX Porn ParodyLike most people, I’m guilty of believing the hype when it comes to products that are heavily promoted. Yes, even when it’s a parody porn. Yes, even when it’s a parody porn made by the folks at Hustler. You’d think by now I’d know better. *sigh*

I don’t know what’s wrong with the wiring in my brain that makes me believe the object of said hype is worth it, but I almost always fall for it.  Having said that, I’m going to start this review by stating that I had really, really, really high hopes for This Ain’t Avatar XXX. I expected that the 3D version (which used those fun red & blue glasses) would be epic and that the quality of the DVD itself would be above par. Sadly, neither was the case.

Spoiler Alert; If you have not seen This Ain’t Avatar XXX and plan on it, I suggest you only read the above first 2 paragraphs as this review will most likely ruin it for you.

3D Version

There’s no nice way to say this, so I’m just going to be blunt: the 3D version sucks! No really, it sucks balls hard!! Right from the start the picture was distorted, often pixelated, blurred and became increasingly hard to watch (even with the glasses on). In a sad attempt to give the benefit of the doubt (or maybe it was my disillusioned wishful thinking) I blamed the TV, DVD player and insisted it wasn’t the actual movie that was the problem. I mean c’mon, it’s Hustler, they have the money to put into a proper 3D production right? Okay, maybe not.

As if the above attempt to salvage the 3D wasn’t bad enough, I switched to naively thinking it might be the distance we were sitting from the screen that was the problem.  After moving closer, farther, sitting dead center to the screen, squatting so I was lower, tilting my head so I looked like a confused dog, jamming the glasses against my head, putting the disc in another DVD player and finally squinting so that the screen was just a tiny slit, I had to accept it was the quality of filming that was the real problem.  *side note: headaches from shitty 3D movies really aren’t fun!

My Partners 2 cents: First of all, the flick is promoted as a 3D extravaganza. T.A.A. has about as much in common with 3D as twinkies have with nutrition. Even old school 3D would cringe at the horribly cheap blue and red bleed technique that gives the slightest instances of three dimensions, but not without completely discoloring and blurring the picture. Fail. Epic Fail.

Choice quotes we uttered while watching:

Me: “Is this supposed to be in 3D?”
Him: “I thought so, but it’s just a purplish blue blur…I think I’m going blind!”

Me: “Wait, wait, tilt your head, now you can kinda see it!”
Him: “No, no you can’t. Stop lying to yourself”

Him: “Is that purplish blue thing supposed to be his dong? Is it supposed to be coming out of the screen?”
Me: “THE 3D WORKS FOR YOU?? WTF, MY GLASSES ARE BROKEN!!” (yes I did yell that)
Him: “No, it’s not. I was just wondering if it was supposed to”
Me: “Ugh! Fail!”

Star Rating (out of 5):

Costumes/Body Paint

When I read the publicity regarding the body paint being used I was once again mislead into having high expectations. Like I said earlier, I should have known better! *shakes head*

Hustler Press Release:We used an alcohol-based paint so that it wouldn’t sweat or rub off during the film’s most important scenes.”

“We used more than 40 bottles of the makeup and they cost more than $50 a bottle, so you can imagine what kind of finances went into airbrushing the actors blue!”

*According to my lovely calculator that’s just over $2,000 (with tax of course) – Wow!! What a huge budget for a multi-million dollar corporation!! <-sarcasm ;)

If you ask me, they should have just banished the blue airbrushing to the hole it belongs, invested more and actually used special effects because after one blow job, the chin of one of the actresses (Nicki Hunter) was completely paint free. Last I checked some of the “most important scenes” in porn included blow jobs. Hell, in some movies they’re the best part! Silly me, what was I thinking. (Damn you high expectations!)

*The knees, hands, boobs, inner thighs, asses and various parts of the body also showed a lack of paint (or smearing) after a short period of time.

Aside from the above mentioned issues I feel the need to let you in on one of the most disappointing aspects of This Ain’t Avatar XXX - THE DICKS ARE NOT BLUE!! Isn’t the whole point of porn cock shots?? How in sweet baby Jesus’ name can you make a porn movie with blue people and NOT give them blue dicks!!?? Ugh, such a let down, especially considering that they could have just put a blue condom on. Sure, it’s cheap and probably not ideal, but it would have been something, and in this case something would have been much better than a flesh colored dong hanging off a smeared blue painted body.

Considering how much I’ve already bitched, I’m not going to get into how the use of over sized fake ears, bedazzled areolas/nipples, feather boas, Hustler t-shirts and unrealistic lingerie brought down the film. Again, what were they thinking?

*I will give respect to the creators for using body paint, after all, the real Avatar used CGI and other special effects to complete the look. I’ll even grant bonus points to the actors for sitting through countless hours of touch ups and  painting.

My Partners 2 cents: It’s only saving grace, and alternately its ultimate downfall, is the hilarity of the make-up and special effects. You can’t help but laugh at watching a blue alien (with a pink cock might I add) slam a pair of blue butt cheeks and effectively wipe off paint to reveal white skin underneath.

Choice quotes we uttered while watching:

Me: “$5 says the blue paint comes off when she gives him head”
Him: “Oh c’mon, it’s airbrushed. That ain’t coming off”.
*after one blow job scene*
Me: “Really, then why is her whole chin white again?!”
Him: “Do you take cheques?”

Me: “Why is her tit white? He wasn’t grabbing that hard”
Him: “LOOK AT HER KNEES!! The paints all gone!! Fail! FAIL!”

Both of us: “His dick better be blue, his dick better be blue…”
Me: “Why isn’t his dick blue? Well that’s a rip off!!”
Him: “Well at least his balls are blue…which ironically doesn’t make any sense since they’re having sex!’”

Me: Why didn’t they just put blue condoms on? That might have solved the blue dick paint issue”
Him: “I still don’t get the blue balls…”

Him: “Look at those ears!! Did they get them at a costume store?”
Me: “They look like they spray painted Spocks ears. Hers is falling off!”

Star Rating (out of 5): ★½

Scenes/Acting/Plot

I had planned on really going to town here, but quite truthfully the only words that come to mind when I think of the sex scenes are cold, detached, boring, uninspiring, repetitive, uninteresting, and yawn inducing. Neither of us were aroused watching this movie and for the most part, actually fast forwarded through the sex scenes. Who does that??! It’s porn for crying out loud!!

As for the Acting; the lines are spat out with a dire lack of enthusiasm, there is no real emotion or chemistry between the performers, the costuming/body paint made it hard to tell one person from another and with the exception of one scene that included a lot of drooling, no one looked like they wanted to be there. Boring. Bored. Lame. ‘Nuff said.

When it comes to the plot, lets just say there really isn’t one. It’s basically flashback after flashback, guy talking to the screen while fun digital numbers (a la matrix) flash in the corners of the screen, sex in a bush, sex on a rock, guy talking to the screen again, sex on a table, sex on the floor (with socks on), sex on another rock, group sex in a bush (don’t pun that), and so on. Not in that order, but just as boring as described. Actually, I think my description made it sound better than it actually is.

*side note: For me, a sense of detail and realism is always a selling point in porn, not to mention the maintenance of a theme – that said, why is it that there is a scene where a human is alive in the “Panwhoran” jungle and yet the affects of their world don’t affect her? Did they realize at some point during filming that she was allergic to the body paint and couldn’t be painted??  It’s a minor detail, but for those of us who care about such things it’s extremely distracting!

My Partners 2 cents: Although my hopes weren’t high, the acting is absolutely abysmal, even by pornography’s standards. If your movie isn’t going to have a plot, then don’t offer even a semblance of one, even if it is a parody.  And the sex scenes themselves have a lot to be desired. Repetition and disinterest are the two main culprits. There are more variations than blow-cowgirl-blow-doggy-blow-reverse cowgirl-blow that can be taken advantage of in a script. When the actors look particularly bored performing these limited routines, it hurts the film even more.

Add to that the fact that the camerawork was relegated to mostly single motionless extended shots for the majority of the time, the sound was incredibly inconsistent and bad lighting proved to be not a friend to more than a few actors and you have one bad movie.

Choice quotes we uttered while watching:

Me: “Can we just put Pirates on? I can’t watch this, she’s got dirt & fake leaves in her ass crack. I just want to yell ‘TAKE A SHOWER!!”
Him: “If she took a shower the blue paint would come off.”
Me: “Shut up smart ass.”
Him: “Okay, okay calm down. Give it a minute, maybe it’ll get better…”
*scene turns into a giant orgy that’s so void of emotion it’s not even funny*
Him: “maybe not.”

Him: “Why are they having sex on a tanning bed?”
Me: “That’s not a tanning bed, it’s a table with a lid”
Him: “Why does the table have a lid?”
Me: “I have no clue! Here’s a better question, why isn’t his dong blue?!”

Him: “They could have at least given her a better rock to sit on. Geez, her ass is gonna hurt tomorrow”
Me: “Yeah, but I’m sure that won’t be from the rock”

*he finally give in and goes to change DVD*
Me: “Wait, stop, look!! She’s got fun bedazzled boobs! Never mind, one just fell off.”

Star Rating (out of 5): a really shitty ½ star for trying

Final Verdict

Okay, I’ll admit it, this review was basically a giant bitch fest, but when you compare movies like this to other bar raising greats like Pirates, well, can you really blame me?

If there is any part of you that is still curious about This Ain’t Avatar XXX, go ahead, be my guest and watch it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you find yourself staring at the screen blurry eyed from the crappy 3D, head pounding from watching  for too long, bored out of your mind by the lack of depth or sexual chemistry, utterly disappointed with the plot and laughing while pointing out the bare spots on the actors bodies. Yes, it really is that bad.

For those that loved the original Avatar and thought the character Neytiri was hot, so hot you’d like to do her, here’s my advice; get the Alien Fleshlight, rent or buy the original movie and stroke it while watching the sexual tension mount between her and Jake. It’s a hell of a lot better, and much more arousing than this parody.

My Partners 2 cents: This certainly ain’t AVATAR, and barely qualifies as a porno parody. Taking on the skin version of a major Hollywood Blockbuster implies that the makers might put above average effort into their work. My assumption was that ‘This Ain’t Avatar’ might be somewhere in the ballpark of ‘Pirates‘. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

Overall Rating (out of 5 stars): ★★

*I’m giving it 2 stars because although it was crappy, I can tell they made the effort. I’m also sure that in one way or another it could have been much worse, though truthfully, I’m not exactly sure how.

Other reviews of This Ain’t Avatar XXX:

Xcritic: http://www.xcritic.com/review/36257/misty-stone-this-aint-avatar-xxx/

The Life & Art of Vern: http://outlawvern.com/2010/11/16/this-aint-avatar/

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    2 Responses “Review: This Ain’t Avatar XXX”

    1. Joe January 14, 2013 4:21 pm #

      Of course the 3D was going to suck. Using the old red and cyan glasses is dated technology that is known to give viewers blurry and distorted images and headaches.

      That is why most 3d movies won’t even bother releasing the 3D version on DVD with those glasses.

      For me the movie was alright and the 3D was pretty good if viewed properly. To view 3D properly you need a 3D television, a 3D capable blu-ray player and the proper glasses for your television (active or passive).

      If viewed properly the images “pop” and depth can be sensed, also say goodbye to those headaches!

    2. Serafina Brightside April 8, 2011 7:19 am #

      Another terrific review. I had no idea it was this bad! Thank you so much for the warning! I’m still very curious, though..but I’d only get it if I got to review it for free.

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